Arsenal New Year’s Resolutions


quinnboslice-120Happy New Year Gooners, it seems like a year has passed since I last wrote something… heh. My inactivity is as much the result of a league-leading Arsenal as it is any sort of tedium in my day-to-day. Aside from the latest batch of exams, I haven’t really been too busy to write. It’s just that positivity and praise have never been good looks for me, and I couldn’t find a lot wrong with Arsenal’s play.
Sure, there were some stumbles recently. The pants-shitting (and yet round-of-16-clinching) display in Naples, the thumping at the Ethiad, the Chelsea sleeper, but if I’m honest, it’s the dropped points against Everton at home that I’m bitter about. Still, I held my tongue, in an attempt to avoid writing a stinging reactionary post that’d leave you readers with no choice but to cognitively mark me as spam.
Wednesday, Arsenal almost left me with enough negative inspiration to last through all of 2014. Cardiff put forth the most tepid challenge we’ve encountered in some time, and yet it wasn’t until just before stoppage time when my lord, my saviour, Nicky B won us 3 points. If not for that Samurai, I’d have been sentencing Mertesacker to a lifetime of driving Santi’s car without seat adjustment privileges.
We won though and a truly inspired (read: scathing) post by yours truly will have to wait. As much as a continuation of Arsenal’s fine form might be bad for my productivity, it is a professional foul I will make. For the Arsenal. For you.

Arsenal New Year’s Resolutions

One more thing before I go. While the year 2014 still sits kind of funny before your eyes, I figured I could compile a list of hypothetical resolutions for most of our lads. If I left out some, or you have your own ideas, converse with me on Twitter @quinnboslice_
Szczesny: To discover new ways to troll the semi-professional team that also play in North London. His first chance to stay true to this resolution will come when we play them in the F.A. Cup this Saturday.
Sagna: To wonder less about why Frimpong and “Lethal Bizzle” have not produced a YouTube video urging him to “Sign da ting.” Also, to sign da ting.
Jenkinson: To consider taking yoga lessons from Samurai Nicky B in hopes that he will learn to loosen up when he runs. He’s more stiff and awkward than a high school boy in health class.
Mertesacker: Er soll einen großen, verdammten deutscher (BFG) sein. Immer.


Vermaelen: To stay relevant. I believe in you TV5.
Koscielny: To find more company for Suarez in his pockets.
Gibbs: To win some England caps. But, then again, if he doesn’t it’s totally alright with me.
Monreal: To continue to battle with Gibbs for playing time in what must be the most polite and fuzzy rivalry of all time.
Flamini: To win captaincy for the odd moderately cold match so that he can decide the sleeve length his god damn self. Entirely sleeveless may or may not become our new look.
Arteta: To consider shooting the ball every once in a while. I miss this.
Ramsey: To cure the common cold. I mean, anything short of that would be a regression from the 2013 that he had.
Wilshere: To be the first footballer to play a game wearing mittens instead of gloves. You know, to limit the suspensions.
Cazorla: To perform more “sweet skills” so that the YouTube community can continue to make highlight videos set to awful music.
Özil: To give the fans 42.5 more reasons to pinch ourselves.
Rosicky: To continue to perform whatever animal sacrificing rituals that he has been in order to fight off any signs of aging.
Walcott: To write a new children’s book that imparts the message: a goal is a goal, whether it comes off as a disgusting accident or not.
Podolski: To smile more. Wait, do these have to be possible?
Giroud: To play every match and never miss the target ever. Just make the people happy HFB. That’s all.
Bendtner: To surprise the fans. Not so much in a midlife-crisis hairstyle or run-in with the law sort of way, but more so in a Cardiff sort of way. It’s in our best interest for every player wearing the cannon to do well until they piss off, even if you feel that day couldn’t come soon enough.
Wenger: To manage this Arsenal team to silverware and then promptly bludgeon Piers Morgan with the winnings.
Happy New Year from CanadianGunners to Gunners worldwide. Here’s to hoping that we’re on top come the campaign’s end.
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